It's been too long

Alright, so I haven't written in forever, but I've got a really good reason: this blog has lost its raison d'être. It was created as a place where I could bitch about all the terrible dating I do (and share embarringly good stories), but as I'm no longer single, I gots nothing to say on those topics. The last name on my looooong list o' men has stuck, and I've been with Adam for nearly three months now. A new world record.

It's very nice to not have to think about dating bullshit.

So what's my blog tagline/purpose gonna be now?

2 more names

In order to update this list, add:

Jeremey
Adam

I'm hoping that last one sticks around for a while.
He just might be a keeper.

To make a long story short...

The best way to break things off with someone is to invite him and his bottle of wine over to your place, drink and chat about movies and the like, and wait until you near the end of the bottle, until he asks you when he can see you again, to spring it on him: "Never. I don't think we should see each other anymore."

Then lay into him as to what a bad communicator he is---but correct yourself, say it in a nice way---"You don't communicate the way in which I need." This is, of course, just another way of saying, "I've been seeing you for a month now and you've never once told me I look nice or smell good, when these are traits I obviously pride myself on." Oh, what the hell, say that too, and when he tells you that he thought you were too "practical" to enjoy compliments (does such a woman even exist?), let him know that he couldn't have misread you more. If anything, you are disappointed in him, because you really did like him and, in some ways more importantly, your roommate liked him, and he's very very funny, but he messed up. His problems with communication become even more apparent when he starts talking to the window instead of you.

Kick him out, let him walk home in the rain, and go call the boy you actually like, the one who says unforced sweet things to you. He answers the phone, while one of his best friends, a virtuoso violinist with perfect pitch, is covering his face with make-up. She's hysterical, crying with laughter, and promising you from afar that she'll send photos of the finished product. He is pretty.

Catchin' up

Alright, it's been a bit since I last posted, so this is going to be more of a recap of my current events than a rumination on any one topic:

Bad Laugh came to acquire a new nickname as time went by, and my suspicions on the vibe I got from him---with regard to some of his (shall we say) tendencies---were confirmed by both my roommate and his boyfriend. At that point, I started referring to him as "The Fag."

I don't think he knows it (in fact, I think he's spent most of his life defending himself against such allegations), but the dude is totally gay. So I had to break things off with him gently, telling him that that we were compatible in the short term, but not in the long-term...that I knew he liked me a lot and I wanted to be straight-forward with him and not lead him on...that I was ultimately looking for a relationship and that I didn't see things with him going there...because he likes cock. Alright, I didn't mention that last thing, but I would've it push had come to homo-shove.

And then there's Kevin. Or, and then there was Kevin, because he's been dismissed/fired as well. As described in the next posting.

The importance of having nicknames

When you're dating all the time, your friends can't keep up with the swinging door o' guys. Hell, I can't even keep up with them all. Case in point: Last Friday, I was eating sushi with a guy, and the conversation turned to the way in which one's name can shape one's personality (i.e., the benefit of having a relatively uncommon name)---and while we were having this discussion, I completely blanked on his name. I had to think about it, really think about it, and then it came to me: Aaron! So I was saved from making a terrible blunder.

With that in mind, it's vital to come up with a name that you can use with your friends to refer to one of the many, many men in your life. I usually use either a physical characteristic or something distinct about them that has previously been mentioned. So right now, there's Big Hands (who I like the most), Bad Laugh (who I like the least), and Kevin (who doesn't really have anything too distinguishing about him, which is why he lacks a nickname, and is also why he's in the middle of the pack).

I have also recently come across two wonderful guys named Jerem(e)y, neither of which I'm attracted to, but both of whom are some of the most dynamic, interesting people I've met in years. Similarly, in order to help my friends keep them straight, I refer to one as "Red" and one as "Shorty."

More true than not

This morning I had a very vivid dream, where I was on yet another first date. This guy ended up to be crazy, though, and tried to abduct me. Eventually, I stabbed him in the side with a pen and escaped from his car, calling 911 on my phone and ducking behind stopped vehicles as he fired shots at me. He turned the gun on himself, and I awoke.

Moral of the story: This dating life will kill me, unless I can force it to kill itself.

Catnip!

Can I just say that lately, for whatever reason, 22-year-olds keep hitting on me? They're all up in my grill! I went out with one on Wednesday, I'm going out with one tonight, and I have a coffee date with a third on Sunday (technically, he's 23, but when he first contacted me a few months ago, he was 22). I know, I know, they're just children, but I'm at the point where I'm really not ruling anyone out, so I find it hard to discount them just based on age.

Except: Age does make a hell of a difference. It's like with guys we aren't dealing with normal human years, but some sort of weird emotional-maturity measure, and even a guy only a year younger is miles away from where I'm at, in terms of being ready for a relationship. I've found that out the hard way since I've started dating younger guys this year.

Like the 22-year-old last month who was whip-smart and funny, with great tastes in music/movies/TV/books, but he still really really enjoyed drinking and was so excited to be out of college, his whole life in front of him, everything one big wad o' potential. He was cute and I totally hit things off with him immediately (a rarity), but I knew that nothing could come of it, since he was just so young. I mean, I've already experienced all of those feelings, and I remember what it's like, but I don't wish to spend my time with someone who's in that particular head-space right now. I still read his blog from time to time, and he's always talking about how great things are in his life, and how he's got excellent (or, in his parlance, "epic") alcohol-fueled weekends planned. But I know that everyone's first year out of college is pretty goddamn awful, which makes this a fairly clear case of "the lady doth protest too much." I will probably run into him (at shows) a bunch between now and when he leaves town this summer, so we'll see how that goes.

Anyway, for the time being---and though I expect nothing to come of my dealings with them---I will continue to date babies.

Excuses, excuses

I get so tired of the bullshit. After my latest dealings with it---I meet a guy who seems fairly promising; after a good date, he wants to see me the next day; about a day after that he's letting me know he "just wants to be friends"---I had to know what exactly was going on. In order to keep this from happening over and over again (as it has been the past few months), I felt as if my only recourse was to make him cut through the standard discourse and provide some real explanation. I'd much rather know the truth than be given a vague excuse that won't hurt my feelings. So I sent an email stating that, and felt a lot better after I received a seemingly honest response.

The correspondence follows:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Audrey
Date: Apr 27, 2005 11:43 AM

Look, I just wanted to let you know that I'm not mad at you---it's more the situation. As you may have gathered, this sort of thing (guy seems to be really into me, and then, literally, overnight he's not) has been occurring at epidemic levels of late. I've already heard the line "I think we just rushed into this/moved too fast" once this year. It's past the point at which I can think that "it's not me, it's them." Which means it must be me.

With that in mind, I need you to be brutally honest with me, and let me know what "drove you away," or whatever made you change your mind (i.e. you didn't seem to just want to be friends when you were feeling on my titties). Vagaries about yourself and "where [you're] at right now" ain't gonna cut it. Don't worry about sparing my feelings or sugar-coating things. I can more than handle it. I just need to figure how to "end this cycle" and keep situations like this from occurring. I mean, I put a very explicit disclosure statement on my online profile(s) to let potential suitors know where I'm coming from and what I'm looking for, and yet, guys who seek me out are still running hot and cold with me, and I don't understand why.

So please, PLEASE be honest with me. I can't even consider having a friendship with you unless you're able to be straight-forward with me on this matter.

Thanks.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mike
Date: Apr 27, 2005 12:05 PM

Hey Audrey, I'm glad you asked. I was thinking of giving you more details anyhow, since I'm sure I was being confusing on the phone. So here's more detail about what went on:

1. The super-wet kissing thing was a dealbreaker for me. I don't think it's highly unusual (because I've met people who kissed that way before), but for me personally, it carries a gut-level gross-out factor. I figured it's something you need, and you'd be annoyed without it, so we would have been at an impasse forever.

2. I tend to date multiple people for a short while until I can decide who I'm most compatible with. There's someone else that I met at a party, and I had a date with her where I realized we're very compatible and that I need to go for it with her.

I hope that helps..
mike

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Audrey
Date: Apr 27, 2005 12:16 PM

Ohmygod yes. This helps immensely.

You're right about point 1. I like deep-kissing and that's not something I'm willing to compromise on.

As to point 2, I do the exact same thing, and I'd rather someone be upfront with me about meeting someone they're more compatible with than just using one of the standard lines that fall under "it's not you, it's me." Because everybody knows, it's always you.

Thank you for this.

2005 in a nutshell

Thus far this year, it's been:

Kevin B.
Jameson
Paul B.
Mike E.
Jamie (memo to self: never date a boy with a girl's name)
Kevin S.
Nathan (the first time EVER I've made a move, only to be denied)
Mike P.
Steven
John
Casey
Matt R.
Paul W.
Ryan
Jeremy
Brian
Kevin R.
Matt H.
Mike D.
Aaron

So you can understand why I'm more than sick of all this shallow, meaningless dating.